5 Things I've Learned About Managing Depression That I Wish I Knew Sooner
(plus a bonus list of mental health resources I love)
One day I’m perfectly fine and the next I can barely get myself out of bed. It comes in fast and sly, circles me like prey and just like that, I’m buried under feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, low self-worth, regret and failure.
I wish I understood this about myself. My specific variety of depression is considered mild (meaning infrequent as opposed to consistent/chronic depression) and very unpredictable. I will go weeks, even months, feeling happy and joyful and then out of nowhere get blindsided by the dark cloud of depression all over again. I genuinely don’t know what causes me to go through these cycles, but I do know that if I don’t actively manage these episodes, they can quickly lead me to a very dark place that becomes increasingly difficult to dig out of.
The only predictable thing about my episodes is that they are short-term, so instead of beating myself up for finding myself in the throes of depression yet again, I’ve accepted that this is part of me. Albeit, a part I may never understand, but nonetheless this is me and this is my journey.
A few years ago, I stopped trying to analyze the ‘why’ and ‘how’ that got me to those moments and started focusing on finding techniques that would help me move through them quicker. Over time, and through much trial and error, I’ve found that these 5 strategies below help me recover much more quickly. I can now trust that by doing these things, it will pass in a few days rather than lingering for weeks at a time.
I’ve read other articles with tips like “stay hydrated and light a candle.” I sincerely hope that works for other people, but this article is not that. I’m not saying those things aren’t important, I’m just saying that for me it takes a holistic, full-court-press strategy to quickly move myself through it.
But before you read on, one important note –> I am not a therapist, and this is not professional therapeutic advice. These are simply the strategies I have found to work best for me and my specific form of depression.
Here are the 5 strategies I use to quickly move through my episodes of depression:
1. Surrendering to the moment
Immediately stop everything and listen to what your mind and body are telling you. Fully surrender to the moment.
I learned the hard way that if I don’t welcome it when it comes knocking on my door, it will find a way to come in when I’m least expecting it. Suppressing it, burying it and ignoring it are temporary solutions that only serve to exacerbate the emotions that are trying to come through. I’ve learned that to expeditiously move through the episode, I have to allow it to come exactly when it wants to and intentionally create space to sit with it.
Of course, it never comes at an opportune time. I’ve even tried to power through for a few days until I know I will have the space to open that door, but after some tough lessons learned (like crying in a client’s office!) I quickly realized that strategy only prolongs and even escalates my feelings of depression, overwhelm and anxiety.
Further, when I try to carry on with my daily activities while in a compromised state, I don’t do my best work and I’m not my best self. Inevitably I’m distracted, in a brain fog, unmotivated, overwhelmed and hypersensitive. So rather than allowing those feelings to hunker down, unpack and linger, I’ve learned to stop, listen and honor them.
2. Moving into isolation
Create a quiet, distraction-free space where you can do the work to go deep within yourself and evaluate where the emotions are coming from. Just you, all by yourself.
When we are surrounded by other people, particularly while in a vulnerable state, we naturally want to cling to their observations, opinions, input and advice. We want them to save us from ourselves by telling us exactly what we need to hear so we don’t feel this way anymore.
That was my strategy for a long time – as soon as feelings of depression, hopelessness and loneliness snuck inside me, I would immediately surround myself with loved ones because surely reminders of the love and abundance in my life would solve this. But even with the best of intentions, their advice and positive affirmations were just a band aid. I know now that understanding and healing my wounds starts with seeking clarity, validation and strength from within myself, not from external sources.
This is my work to identify the underlying emotions rising up and dissect my fears, traumas and childhood wounds to determine what is real and what is subconsciously being triggered. No one else can do this work for me, no one else can talk me through it (except maybe my therapist 😉). By not doing the inner work and patching the wound with external validation, inevitably it will continue to come up over and over again.
For me, moving into isolation means cancelling as many obligations as I can, staying off social media and getting myself ready to launch steps 3, 4 and 5 below.
3. Calming self-care techniques
Before I can begin the process to dissect my emotions, I have to first calm my nervous system.
When depression hits me, it usually comes with a healthy dose of overwhelm and anxiety on the side. Which means I’m wound tightly - my head is swirling with negative thoughts, my emotions are unpredictable, my muscles are tight and aching and there is a fluttering in my chest and stomach. It’s shocking how my body always knows before my mind does.
Over time I’ve learned that the techniques below (in no particular order) work best to help me reach a calm(er) mental, physical and emotional state:
Get into nature. Take a walk, pause and breathe in the fresh air.
An extended meditation session using a guided meditation app (I like Peloton, Headspace or Oak).
Drink hot water with a fresh lemon slice or decaffeinated herbal tea.
Take a luxurious bubble bath while listening to my favorite, soothing music (this is definitely the part when you should light a candle!). My go-to artists are Noah Cyrus, Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift.
Slow movement exercise like stretching, yoga or low intensity strength training.
Double up my daily dose of vitamin D and sit in the sun for at least 20 minutes. It’s remarkable how much vitamin D helps stabilize my emotions.
I have also found several other activities that actually work against me and delay my ability to get into a relaxed, decompressed emotional and physical state:
I avoid caffeine when my body is in fight-or-flight. This is not a calming agent to our bodies when we are already in a heightened state. I keep a special decaf herbal tea in the pantry for these very occasions.
While a high intensity workout feels SO good in the moment, the increased cortisol is actually a fight-or-flight stimulator. This delays my ability to move into a calm state, so I stick with low intensity, slow movement exercise to boost serotonin.
It’s tempting to want to self-soothe with my go-to comfort foods, but that is counterproductive to what my body needs. Instead, I flood my body with nutrient-dense foods rich in vitamin K (leafy greens), vitamin C (citrus fruits) and vitamin B (lean meats) to help my body quickly absorb the vitamin D I just loaded up on.
Alcohol wants to help. It’s a wily temptress quietly staring at me reminding me that a few indulgent beverages can quickly take all my worries away. But in an altered state, it’s really tough to do the deep inner work necessary to make long-lasting breakthroughs. This too is only a short-term band aid. Rather, I save that beloved buzz for celebrating myself when I come out on the other side.
4. Monitoring my thoughts and inner monologue
Consciously shift your thoughts and self-talk to come from a place rooted in self-love.
The wave of negative thoughts that come with my bouts of depression are overwhelming. I become paralyzed in thoughts of not feeling good enough, questioning where I’m at in life, wallowing in my regrets and doubting my self-worth. The power of these destructive thoughts can quickly spiral me into a dark hole that is hard to climb out of.
I keep a gratitude journal with a list of positive mantras for this very occasion. On my good, healthy days I write to my depressed self in this journal to remind her of the beauty, abundance, blessings and love she is surrounded with. These are critically important affirmations for me to read and reread on my bad days when all my mind wants to do is focus on the negative things.
It’s so easy to forget to show ourselves humanity in our darkest moments, a time when we need it the most. We can harshly judge ourselves because we have been conditioned to believe that it is weak and fragile to struggle with mental health, but the reality is that we all have good and bad days. During my episodes, one of the most important things I can do is to show myself compassion, kindness and grace.
5. Processing my emotions with intention
“You have to feel it to heal it.”
Once I’ve completed steps 1-4, now I’m ready to sit with my emotions and begin assessing them. Processing our emotions is a uniquely individual experience and a skill we have to learn and build. It’s hard and grueling and endlessly exhausting but over time, and with a lot of patience, it does get easier.
I’ve found the following methods work best for me to get grounded, sort through the stories I’m telling myself and seek clarity and understanding in my head and heart:
Writing my stories and journaling my thoughts is a powerful release for me. Not only does it help me articulate how I’m feeling, but also gives me the opportunity to reflect on why those emotions are emerging and challenge myself to explore them more fully.
Reading memoirs or articles from other writers who authentically share their struggles gives me a sense of hope and connectedness during a dark, lonely time. Learning how others articulate their emotional experiences is a tremendous source of inspiration for me. A few noteworthy writers I admire are Lisa Olivera, Whitney Goodman, Brené Brown, Jen Hatmaker, Glennon Doyle and Oprah.
Cooking and baking require being actively present, which is exactly what I need to ground myself when I’m lost and swirling in my head and heart.
Listening to intensely emotional music is so cathartic and healing for my inner empath. The emotions from the song pull out the emotions in me. I have a playlist of my favorite power ballads that I’ve designed for this very moment.
The combo of cooking or baking while listening to my playlist (loudly!) is magical for my mental and emotional state.
Speaking with my therapist is also a terrific way to process my emotions more deeply than I can on my own. However, it’s unlikely that she will have availability on the exact day my episode hits. I quickly schedule a session at her next available time because although the intensity of the moment has passed, it’s always an enlightening session to reflect back on the episode when I’m in a different mental and emotional state.
Since I started implementing these 5 strategies, I found that I’m able to move through my episodes much more quickly. It’s incredibly disruptive to unexpectedly “pause” life while I work through these 5 steps, but it yields greater outcomes for me in the long run when I prioritize my mental health and emotional needs. I always come out stronger, more confident and with a deeper self-awareness. And by paying attention to my body’s early warning signs, I can rapidly deploy these strategies which gives me the ability to stay one step ahead of the depression sinkhole.
“Emotional pain cannot kill you but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~ Vironika
I love to learn from others! Please leave me a comment or send me a note with the strategies and ideas you have found most helpful to overcome your mental health struggles.
Mental Health Resources I Love
Follow Human Stuff by Lisa Olivera on Substack or Instagram. She is an extraordinarily talented writer who beautifully articulates that emotions don’t have to black and white, one or the other. She writes from a deeply personal and vulnerable point of view reinforcing that it is natural to be many things at the same time.
Follow Good Enough by Whitney Goodman on Substack or @SithWithWhit on Instagram. She is a licensed family therapist who artfully conveys how childhood traumas are the most likely source of our adult wounds. She offers practical advice and strategies on how we can overcome deeply embedded emotional triggers.
Books on mental health and personal transformations that inspired me: Finding Me by Viola Davis, Broken Horses by Brandi Carlile, The Path Made Clear by Oprah Winfrey and anything by Brené Brown.
The We Can Do Hard Things podcast by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Sister. The topics they choose are deep and relatable, but the best part are the guest speakers who share their stories in a profound and meaningful way.
Follow Jen Hatmaker on Facebook or Instagram. You will laugh and cry at the same time with every post. Her sense of humor and witty style of writing always make my day!
Other inspirational, note-worthy follows on Instagram: @theravenwolf, @deardopechick, @ontheothersideofthecouch, @higherperspective, @thelovechange, @the.holistic.psychologist and @moonomens.
A sampling of my emotional self-care playlist:
Always Remember Us This Way, Lady Gaga
Anywhere From Here, Rag’n’Bone Man & Pink
Blue Jeans, Lana Del Rey
Breathe Me, Sia
Broken & Beautiful, Kelly Clarkson
Finally/Beautiful Stranger, Halsey
I Feel Like I’m Drowning, Two Feet
Lonely, Noah Cyrus
Miss Me More, Kelsea Ballerini
The Night We Met, Lord Huron
Reckoning, Whiskey Myers
Right On Time, Brandi Carlile
Summertime Sadness, Lana Del Rey
Willow, Taylor Swift
Young & Sad, Noah Cyrus