I wasn’t sleeping. This happens during the most stressful times in my life. I wake up at 3am with a million thoughts and emotions swirling through my body. I lay awake for hours only to fall back asleep just minutes before the alarm goes off. But this time was different—not only was I waking at 3am, I was waking in an uncontrollable state of tears. Absolutely sobbing…for months.
I knew why but wasn’t willing to admit it. I was burying the emotions deep inside my body praying they would disappear. I continued to perform through each day as if nothing was wrong, while silently suffocating under a blanket of sheer exhaustion and emotional anguish.
My soul knew why, and it was relentless. It wouldn’t let me ignore the signs, and the whispers became roars. It was begging me to choose me, to choose my happiness, something I have rarely done in this lifetime. I was conditioned at young age to prioritize the needs of others over my own. To satisfy the emotional needs of others before caring for my own was the hallmark of my childhood. I’ve carried this bad habit throughout my adult life and expertly trained myself to find happiness in the happiness of others because that should be enough. I willingly suffer in my own pain if it means creating happiness for someone else.
I wanted my life to be enough, just the way it was. I wanted that so desperately that I was willing to do anything to hold it together. I feared change, I feared starting over, I feared judgement, I feared loss, I feared failure…and I let those fears become louder and bigger than my need for pure, authentic, unfiltered joy and happiness.
No matter how hard I willed it to stop, it wasn’t going away. No matter how deeply I anchored myself to the idea that this life is enough—that I was happy enough—the emotional swells kept coming and the sleepless nights continued. My inner knowing was bigger than me and the more I buried it, the more it began to swallow me whole.
About four (4) years ago, during a similarly stressful time in my life, I had a complete mental health breakdown that took me years to rebuild from. This time, I knew what was coming next. I was stronger, smarter and wiser and knew if I didn’t stop and listen to what my soul was trying to tell me, it would happen again. So, I forced a rock bottom—this time on my terms, my timeline, my process.
I went on a solo trip for two (2) full weeks—14 days of stillness, quiet and being totally and completely alone. I needed to get centered in my energy without the distractions of home, habits and routine. I needed to be in a place where nothing was familiar so I could experience life outside of the cozy container I was living in. I needed to drown out the noise around me to get quiet enough to listen to my heart and explore my deepest wants and needs.
IT. WAS. MAGICAL. My soul finally let out a deep, shoulder-dropping exhale. I chose me, I chose my mental health, I chose self-care. I nurtured and nourished myself with radical acts of self-love every day. I sat in the stillness and listened intently to my heart. I paid close attention to what was coming up and allowed my emotions to come and go, simply observing them as they passed through. I gave myself permission to sit with it, to feel it all and to trust the whispers. And when the dark moments came, I listened even harder.
I discovered an extraordinary amount about myself during this time. I tapped into new levels of strength, courage and fortitude I’ve never seen before. I felt things like freedom, peace, adventure, wonder and realized I hadn’t felt the sensation of those feelings in years. I did hard uncomfortable things every day, which strengthened my confidence in myself and allowed me trust when the answers I was seeking came forward. I embraced these answers, even when they weren’t what I was expecting, and made life-changing decisions that prioritized me, my needs and my pursuit of happiness and joy.
“Sometimes growth requires the need to make a conscious effort to steer clear of what feels familiar to you. A full stop on the same routines and patterns and choosing what’s right, even when it feels uncomfortable is how you shift out of unhealthy cycles.” – Shane Steel
I learned that choosing me is painfully hard, but profoundly rewarding. I learned that choosing me can be big grandiose acts of self-preservation or teeny, tiny micro-decisions of momentary delight. I learned that choosing me looks and feels different every day. I learned that choosing me is…
…knowing what I can no longer carry on my own.
…conquering my fear of eating alone in a restaurant.
…recognizing that no one is coming, only I can save myself.
…initiating a rebirth; rethinking everyone and everything in my life.
…lovingly holding space for what is meant to be in the past and forever cherishing those memories.
…releasing attachment to what once was.
…rerouting my heart back to me.
…letting go of the idea I had for my life and accepting what is.
…cancelling all commitments on a snow day and reading by the fire instead.
…allowing love to surround me and funnel to me from all sources, not just from a relationship.
…learning to coexist with the loneliness, the grief, the pain, the sadness.
…understanding the power of AND. Accepting that I can be happy and sad, crystal clear and confused as hell, joyful and devastated, excited and anxious, totally lost and full centered.
…embracing the murky feeling of the in-between.
…walking on a brisk snowy morning, feeling the fresh winter air fill my lungs.
…to stop performing and start honoring my truth and deepest desires, no matter how it might impact those around me.
…remembering that there is beauty in both beginnings and endings.
My solo trip helped me reconnect with my true self and find a deep gratitude for being right here in this moment. As I embark on this new and uncertain path, I’m profoundly grateful for the extraordinary people who have shaped me, influenced me and guided me along the way. For those who loved me when I didn’t love myself and for those who saw my light when I couldn’t.
I’m 44 years old and I’m finally ready to step into my light and claim what I deserve. I’m ready to level up, to pivot, to stop playing small. I am vowing to no longer sacrifice my own needs, wants and desires. I’m ready to fill my own cup, to drown myself in self-love and to be fully present for this journey. I’m ready to embrace the light, the dark and everything in between on this messy and winding road. I’m ready to walk myself home.
“And that day, you decided to rewrite your story and never look back. This is your magic. This is the way home.” – J. Mike Fields
Friends, if you’ve made it this far…THANK YOU for being here with me. I have no idea where this journey is leading me, but I’m grateful to have you by my side. I keep thinking about Elizabeth Gilbert crying on her bathroom floor before she launched the Eat-Pray-Love trip that reset the direction of her life. It’s starting to feel like I might be launching my own version of that soul-seeking journey...but more along the lines of Cry-Drink-Sleep. I think I’m probably somewhere between the Cry and Drink (wine) phases right now and currently manifesting the Sleep phase because *for the love of god* there has to be sleep somewhere along this journey!
Cheers to new beginnings, to blind faith and to believing that we are worthy of living our best, most fulfilled life.
XO,
Reagan
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Consciously choosing to create an inner focus after decades of living from an outward focus can be a decent challenge. Such a great description of the experience and the journey. Thank you
So damn good!!