I'm taking a break from myself
on being my own worst enemy
I have a confession. I started writing this blog as “Daily Self-Care Activities That Keep Depression + Anxiety Away” (the perfect complement to my last blog on the 5 Things I’ve Learned About Managing Depression, right?). But I couldn’t finish because the truth is I know exactly what I SHOULD be doing to take care of myself but am TOO DAMN BUSY to do it. And there is no one to blame but myself.
So instead, this blog became about being my own worst enemy, finding balance in our chaotic lives and exploring the barriers that prevent me from prioritizing self-care.
But first, there actually is someone else to blame —> my dad. This guy prides himself on having worked 6 days a week for the last 50+ years and still tells us to this day “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Rest, relaxation, rejuvenation and restoration were not values in our household. In my upbringing, success was defined by the constant flow of Doing — moving, working, achieving, practicing, creating. It’s this conditioning that I frequently fall back on and despite the detriment to my mental and physical health, the unlearning of these habits is painfully slow.
My lifelong Achilles heel is finding the balance between Doing + Being. I had mastered the Art of Doing by the age of 12 (frankly, there was no other choice with my dad!). I was a straight A student and dedicated athlete in three (3) different sports. When I wasn’t practicing or studying, I was babysitting to earn money. Not even legal to work and still wearing braces, I was already sacrificing friendships, self-care and personal needs. My “work ethic” and “responsibility” were frequently recognized as a positive thing. I was told that I was goal-oriented and focused, and that was something I should be proud of. So, naturally I did more of it.
Because I have no foundational connection with just Being, it was foreign to me for a very long time. So much so, that it terrified me. Sitting in my stillness — no plans, no work, no activity, no guest to host, no commitments whatsoever — would create a tidal wave of anxiety in me that was only relinquished by Doing. Obviously, I live my life believing that everyone else around me should also be Doing, including and especially my partner. It’s so engrained in me that I project my unbalanced lifestyle on others, much to their dismay.
And then the Pandemic hit. Ready or not, it taught me everything I needed to know about Being and embracing the stillness. It took the world shutting down for me to discover and embrace the benefits of rest, rejuvenation and restoration. 2020 gave me space to create healthy new habits, to focus inward and prioritize my self-care needs daily. It was the first time I had experienced balance, peace and calm and it was so glorious that I made a commitment to carry this practice forward to my post-Pandemic lifestyle.
That commitment held true for a little while, but now with the world running at full speed again, I’ve fallen right back into my old, familiar habits of going 100 mph every day and generously overcommitting my time. I’ve launched myself deep in the throes of Doing, once again. I have no self-control, even though I know exactly where this path leads me.
Doing + Being do not coexist in my world — they are distinctly different moments in my day. I don’t know how to Do + Be at the same time (if you do, please DM me). Having dinner/drinks with friends is the closest I come to Doing + Being at the same time. And still, I find myself swirling in thoughts about what I’m doing next, what’s on my agenda for tomorrow, what I have to do when I get home, that email I forgot to send and on and on. To master the commingling of Doing + Being into a seamless flow feels like a Gandhi-level achievement that is not possible for us mere mortals.
If you are like me, you want Doing + Being to be perfectly organized, appropriately balanced and neatly compartmentalized. This is where my Type A personality is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I plan my life to the nines — I need it tidy, fully formed and with a consistent flow of productivity so that I end each day feeling accomplished. But Being doesn’t happen within a plan. It’s not timebound. It requires unplanned spaces in my day and the freedom to let my mind wander. It comes with allowing the natural process of decompressing and recentering to unfold on its own timeline. The accomplishment happens when we are fully present in the moment and can give our minds permission to just Be instead of racing from one checklist to another.
Maybe the pursuit of perfect balance isn’t the goal. Maybe the learning is to realize and accept that life is inherently disorganized, unpredictable and a constant negotiation…and attempting to control that is pure insanity. Maybe it’s about dancing through the muck and embracing the messiness with arms wide open. Maybe it’s not about making big sweeping changes to our lifestyle. Instead, maybe the goal is to simply find the tiny moments in our day where we can reconnect with ourselves and, for just a few minutes, allow ourselves to Be.
And so, it’s official…I’m taking a break from myself. I’m consciously entering the season where I stop interfering with my own goals and give myself permission to let go of my need to control. The season where I get out of my own way and allow the natural rhythm and flow of my life to take the lead. Where I commit to the simple self-care rituals each day that will guide me toward an improved sense of balance.
Fluctuating in and out of this season will always be a part of my journey because I can’t help myself and my Doing roots run deep. During these moments of pause, reflection and redirection, I will give myself grace and a little extra TLC while I gently nudge myself back to me. The quest to find healthy will never be perfect because after all, we are magnificently imperfect beings in a world that refuses to be wrangled into submission.
12 Small + Simple Self-Care Tips
Below is a list of minimal effort self-care ideas to fill the tiniest spaces in our busiest days. My commitment is to do at least one thing on this list each day. How about you?
Start your day with a calming, peaceful morning routine that includes 5-minutes for meditation, breath work or setting intentions.
End your day with a decompressing, relaxing nighttime routine to help you wind down. Take 5-minutes to wash your face and put on an overnight mask or stretch before crawling into bed.
Take a short break from social media. Instead of scrolling mindlessly on your phone use that time to walk outside, take a deep breath and let the sun gently rest on your face.
Incorporate a few minutes of exercise each day. Start with something small and achievable to boost serotonin such as 10 pushups + 10 squats daily.
Replace one caffeinated beverage each day with something decaf or another healthier option like herbal tea or warm water with lemon.
Flood yourself with nutrient-dense foods for one meal each day.
Take a legitimate lunch break and do nothing but eat.
Create tiny joys in your workday – light a candle in your workstation, work by the fireplace or sit outside.
Say no to something that causes you stress or anxiety. Then take a deep breath, drop your shoulders and smile.
Explore your thoughts and release your emotions in a 5-minute journaling sesh or through another creative expression.
For the parents out there, carve out 5-minutes of “me” time. Take an extra-long shower, sit outside or walk the dog alone.
Practice daily gratitude. Write one thing in your gratitude journal each day.
“You are being presented with a choice: evolve or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will be presented with the same challenges, the same routine, the same storms, the same situations, until you learn from them, until you love yourself enough to say ‘no more’, until you choose change. If you choose to evolve, you will connect with the strength within you, you will explore what lies outside of the comfort zone, you will awaken to love, you will become, you will BE. You have everything you need. Choose to evolve.” – Creig Crippen