No one leaves their childhood unscathed. NO ONE. We all come out with scars formed during our most delicate adolescent years—heartbreak, rejection, loss, grief, neglect, abuse, gaslighting, bullying, toxic family dynamics. Those scars turn into learned behaviors, habits and beliefs that inform who we become in our adult lives. As we continue to experience pain and trauma throughout our adult lives, it further implants into our being shaping who we are.
Pain will forever be present in our lives, there is no escaping it. But we can choose how we carry it—some carry it light; some carry it heavy.
I deeply envy those who carry it light…
I admire a person who can walk through life with a Teflon exterior—trauma, pain and hurt bouncing off in glorious fashion. Me? I’m like Velcro, everything sticks. All the agonizing, unsavory and excruciating experiences have built on one another burying me under a mound of painful memories. Until now…
The pain, sadness and loneliness I experienced at an early age informed how I viewed myself, how I protected myself and how I connected with others. By the time I reached adulthood my pain had firmly taken up residence and planted deep, messy, intertwined roots in my mind and heart quietly consuming my being. It defined my existence without my knowing or my permission. It wasn’t conscious or intentional, it was simply the result of the instinctual survival tactics we deploy to protect ourselves and the inability to heal myself.
My pain served a powerful purpose in my life—it is both what fueled me and what limited me:
It created a deep sense of independence teaching me to rely on myself, because relying on others only resulted in disappointment and letdown.
It fueled my professional success by creating a mindset of “I will succeed without you and in spite of you” even though at times it was to the detriment of my health and wellbeing.
It formed firm boundaries around me to protect me from being vulnerable and open to hurt.
It taught me to seek external validation to account for the severe lack of self-trust, self-confidence and self-love I had for myself.
It taught me to sacrifice my health and happiness, to give more than I receive, to prioritize the emotional needs of others over my own.
It taught me that love is conditional. That some parts of me are lovable, but not all of them.
It taught me to hold a grudge because forgiveness only led to more disappointment.
It taught me to fear loss and rejection more than I craved love and acceptance; to keep the relationships in my life at just the right distance.
These painful teachings had become my way of life. I held on like it was the life raft keeping me afloat. I couldn’t let go because releasing it would mean losing my sense of self all together. I didn’t know who I was without this pain, without these struggles, without these battle wounds that justified my existence. The fear of losing my identity was greater than the discomfort of sitting in the pain.
“You are responsible for how long you let what hurt you, haunt you.” —Audi L. Brown
Today I am grateful for the parts of me that were forged by fire. I can look back on who I have become and what I have accomplished and be proud. I am no longer that 12-year-old little girl lost in a sea of emotions and circumstances that were out of her control. I am no longer the teenager trying to survive each day. I am no longer the young adult trying to run from her past. I am no longer the up-and-coming professional killing herself to build a successful career.
Right now, I am fully present, centered and consciously aware of who I am and who I am not. I am stronger and wiser and in control now. I no longer need my past or my pain to define me. I can let go without judgement, regret, anger or resentment toward myself or others who played a part in creating my pain. Rather I choose to hold only love, gratitude and acceptance in my heart and release what no longer serves me.
I am choosing to start a new chapter, one that I get to craft and curate on my own terms. It’s my turn now. I get to create the narrative for the second half of my beautiful life. This time, I choose my health and happiness over everything else. I choose me because I am worthy and deserving of healthy, easy, affirming relationships in my life. I choose to heal and create an inner peace I’ve never known before.
Healing happens with intention, not with time, space or distance alone. Time and distance give us the space we need to focus on our healing, but healing can only happen when redirect our energy inward and make an unwavering commitment to do the work with a profound and relentless focus. No one can do this work for us—this is an inside job. There is no outsourcing our healing or relying on the wisdom of others. We have to go through it all…alone.
Healing starts with acknowledging the events of our past, identifying the pain and understanding how we carry it. Where has it taken refuge in our hearts and minds? How does it trigger us? What stories do we tell ourselves? How does it show up in our relationships? Then sitting with the answers—we have to feel it to heal it. Write about it, talk about it, scream about it and then consciously decide how you will carry it going forward. Only then can we transform our pain into conscious learnings that will shift our future.
In my healing process, I have learned that…
...my pain doesn’t have to define me any longer. That I can choose to redefine myself by accepting the positive attributes that unfolded from my experiences and leaving behind the harmful, unhealthy behaviors. I can change the way I view myself and deliberately shape my person and character into who I want to be.
…my relationship with myself is the most important relationship I will ever have and that I must work just as hard on this relationship as I would any other. To do this I have to show myself the same unconditional love, compassion, empathy and grace in order to create the happiest, healthiest version of myself. Because it is only this version of me that will realize rich and abundant relationships.
…matching energy is the key to balancing the give-and-take within relationships. I cannot want more for them or from them than what they naturally produce. I’m learning to meet people where they are and not force or change the natural energy we exchange with each other.
…we must first forgive ourselves; only then will we find forgiveness in our hearts for others. But I have also learned that some things are simply unforgivable, and we can give ourselves permission to see people for who they are without carrying the burden of the pain they have caused. That releasing the pain doesn’t have to mean forgiving the behaviors that caused the pain. Releasing and forgiveness are not synonymous.
…I can reevaluate how I define my self-worth. I can choose to no longer internalize the things I have been told about myself and have the strength to distill truth from abusive behaviors. I get to choose how I identify my own self-worth, because it is only my opinion that matters now.
…vulnerability is the key to meaningful connections. It is the only lens from which we can truly see others and allow ourselves to be seen as our truest, most authentic self. For me this means that boundaries are important, but walls are destructive. Knowing the distinction between the two is critically important. I’m learning and relearning this every day.
...I can teach myself to lead with love and set the toxic ego behaviors aside. Leading with love in every direction creates a softness in our hearts and minds and blossoms delicious feelings of liberation, calm and restoration.
…change is the ever-flowing constant in life and loss is just another form of change. We cannot fear loss—we must accept it, embrace it and sit with it so that we can move through it with ease and find growth from within the pain.
…unresolved trauma and pain will take on a life of its own. Suppressing and burying it will only give it permission to show up in the least opportune moments. It will boldly manifest itself into physical ailments and take a stronghold on our mental health altering our ability to see things clearly and objectively. You can run from it, but it will not run from you.
…the survival tactics I used to get me to here are not the same as what I need to get me where I’m going. Reevaluating how we approach life is pivotal to reshaping our future.
…there was no other path, this was always my path, and I’m right where I am supposed to be. I can look behind me with understanding and compassion instead of anger and resentment.
Learning from our past is the first step toward transformation, but to create meaningful change in our hearts and minds we need to fully invest in the constant cycle of learning and unlearning.
I understand now that I had to go through a series of painful life experiences to become the extraordinary person I am today. That my pain doesn’t have to be heavy—it can teach me and lift me and be my guide, if I let it.
But most importantly, I learned to give my warrior heart permission to put down the armor and peacefully surrender to the divine flow of life with grace and gratitude.
“Darling, you have been taught your whole life that carrying around pain requires strength, but what if I told you that finding the strength to let that pain go is where your true power lays?” —iambrillyant
How have you transformed your pain?
Leave me a comment below with your words of wisdom.
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