Do we ever fully arrive?
I want healing to be something I can put on a checklist. Something actionable with a distinct beginning and ending, a straight line from point A to point B with a visible finish line. Something that once completed, I can cross off my list and never return to it. I want healing to be linear with a clearly outlined step-by-step process I can follow to achieve my desired goal: a pain-free, blissful state of being.
I blame my athletic background for these unrealistic expectations. As an athlete success was measured by wins and losses. It’s black and white--there is no gray area between these two outcomes. You either win or you lose. Sure, there were milestone achievements along the way (like improving my batting average or making a killer play), but ultimately what mattered was the score at the end of the game and who was taking home the W. I was conditioned to be laser focused on the win, which meant you put in the work, you consistently practiced your craft, you worked hard before, during and after practice to hone your skills, and you were rewarded with a defined and tangible result.
Turns out, healing is not that. In fact, I’d say that healing is the exact opposite of that. I’ve realized that to embrace the practice of healing, it requires that I decondition myself from the idea that putting in the work results in a clear end state. The frustrating reality is that healing is a bumpy ride, an endless rat race, a constant cycle of starting, stopping and restarting. It’s a complete mindset shift for me to approach the game of healing in an entirely different way than any other game I’ve played.
I’m learning to accept that the achievement happens WITHIN the journey. It happens in the tiny milestones and the small, incremental wins instead of the final score. It happens in microevents, like:
When we begin to recognize our triggers and can refrain from reacting to them.
When we can observe ourselves from the outside looking in and understand our emotional responses from a different lens.
When we can acknowledge our pain, show ourselves compassion and give gratitude to the experiences that shaped us.
When we can hold space for our past and reclaim our power by choosing how we carry it instead of letting it define us.
The painful truth is that the state of being fully healed does not exist—we never fully arrive. Our wounds, traumas and scars are forever with us and forever imprinted on our hearts. They change us, transform us. They cannot be tamed and will not be ignored. They demand to be seen and will rear their ugly head at the most inopportune time just to remind you of who’s really in charge.
To embrace the journey of healing means there is no stopping point, no destination, no bookends. It is only the ongoing, squishy, undefined process of evolving ourselves by constantly folding our broken pieces into our whole—like putting together a puzzle, with both our whole pieces and our broken pieces, that together form a breathtaking mosaic of our truest self.
“Healing is the non-linear process of learning to live with the pain. It’s learning to live with something that will always hurt. Healing is not about closing a wound; it is about tending to it.” - Alex Elle
Tomorrow
Zahra Daripour wisely said, “And to heal, you must first allow yourself to feel everything.”
But what if I’m not ready to feel everything?
What if I’m scared to death to discover the depth of pain I’ve buried in these emotions?
What if I unleash them and it becomes a waterfall of emotions I can’t turn off?
What if I’m not ready to face them?
What if facing them means acknowledging the dysfunction that got me here?
What if I know exactly what to do about these emotions and that’s what terrifies me the most?
What if I’ve done so much feeling lately that I’m sick + tired of feeling?
What if I would rather stay in an ignorant state of bliss to avoid the brutal agony of feeling?
Or maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe this too shall pass. Maybe I don’t have to do anything WITH these emotions, maybe they can just BE. Maybe feeling an emotion doesn’t need to mean I have to action anything. Maybe allowing the hurt and suffering to be seen is the only action I need to take.
Or maybe I’ll just wait until tomorrow.
Maybe I can wait one more day. Maybe I can get through one more sleepless night. Maybe I can survive one more day of this deep + profound aching in my bones. Maybe I’ll let myself feel everything tomorrow.
The Enemy of Gratitude
The enemy of gratitude is comparison. Allowing comparison to creep into my thoughts immediately triggers self-loathing, negative self-talk that leaves me feeling less than and wishing for more. And even though I know I’m comparing apples to oranges—because no one is on the same journey and no one followed the same path to get to this exact moment—it still seeps in, more than I care to admit.
Choosing our mindset and controlling the flow of our thoughts is a practice I’m still learning, and today I’m choosing to shift from a mindset of comparison to a mindset of gratitude. To be gentle with my thoughts and reflections. To pause and remind myself that my life is plentiful and abundant in ways that I often overlook:
I don’t have a big, fancy house but am grateful to have a house that is cozy, comfortable and mine.
I have a job that can be boring + monotonous on somedays but am grateful to do meaningful work and for the financial stability it provides me.
I don’t have a supermodel beach-ready body, but I’m strong + capable and grateful to have a healthy body that shows up for me every day.
Today, I choose to zoom in and actively enjoy the simple pleasures in the life I’ve created. To relish in the gifts I’ve been given and honor my uniqueness. To hold gratitude for every detour, every closed door, every stop sign that led me to this magically imperfect place in life because I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
And today, I choose to reframe comparison and use it as a guide toward creating new goals, dreams and aspirations. To help me see and think beyond what I once believed was possible. By allowing comparison and gratitude to co-exist, I can use their collective force to live freely and courageously and to push me through the barriers of my comfort zone.
Today, I choose to remember that I do not have to be stagnant where I am, because after all, I hold all the wonder and magic needed to create the life of my dreams.
“You’re allowed to get up one day and just decide to change who you are. Dress differently, speak up more, laugh louder, speak freely, say hey to new people, get that confidence going. We don’t have to stay the way people see us, out of the fear that they won’t like the us we want to be.” - Unknown
The book that stopped me in my tracks
If you haven’t read Present Over Perfect, go pick it up today! You’ll thank yourself later. It’s like she was staring directly into my soul when she wrote about her journey from frantic to simple living. Her extraordinary writing left me feeling seen and connected and a little less alone in this journey…and suddenly everything felt lighter. Sharing an excerpt that resonated so deeply with me:
“Many of us, myself included, considered our souls necessary collateral damage to get done the things we felt we simply had to get done – because of other people’s expectations, because we want to be known as highly capable, because we’re trying to outrun an inner emptiness. And for a while, we don’t even realize the compromise we’ve made. We’re on autopilot, chugging through the day on fear and caffeine, checking things off the list, falling into bed without even a real thought or feeling or connection all day long, just a sense of having made it through. We begin to think the soul is expendable – a luxury, maybe, something optional but certainly not required.
But then someone starts talking about your soul – maybe at church, maybe in a book. Someone starts talking about things like grace and rest and peace, and the soul feeling its worth, and that language feels so foreign and so beautiful, like water in a desert, like one bright bud pushing up in an otherwise arid landscape. And like a song you used to love but haven’t heard for years, something breaks through: That’s what I’ve been missing. That’s it. My soul.” - Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect
The song I’m obsessed with this week
Full disclosure, I’m obsessed with the ENTIRE Midnights album. But right now, this song is exquisitely delicious.
2022 Blogs, Newsletters + Gratitude
I’m closing out 2022 with a heart full of gratitude for your support and readership! When 2022 began, With Grit + Grace wasn’t even a glimmer in my eye. I had no idea I’d be launching a blog mid-year, and yet here we are closing out the year with 7 blog posts, 2 newsletters and a growing subscriber list. What a wild + fun ride this has been, and I couldn’t have done it without you! Sharing a recap of my 2022 publications:
Words can hardly express how grateful I am to have you on this journey with me—and I’m not usually short on words! 😉
Wishing you a magical, restful and prosperous holiday season. See you in 2023!
Cheers, Reagan
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